Two years ago today I took a step on a short journey. The immediate one was to take my(then) husband’s truck and drive, alone, the three hours to my mom’s. Some might say, “Big deal.” However that was the first, and most necessary, step in taking my life back. I won’t go into all of the things that went into that very large, terrifying and monumental decision. Suffice it to say it was not easy, nor were the ensuing months while we dissolved our relationship.
Words are interesting. I can’t help but reflect on the past at certain times of the year but what is also interesting is another definition of the word reflection. In mathematics a reflection is a change in direction along one axis: a transformation. More than once during those first months as I pulled the scattered pieces of who I once was back together my family remarked that the old me was back again. I could see where they were coming from, in some respects. I definitely found my spark again, my spunk, my irreverence, and my joy, to say the least.
Still, I was more. When you stab a spade through a pool of water you disturb it, unsettling the surface, creating currents and eddies and muddying its clarity. The spade leaves with its blade smeared with mud. The pool settles, sediment drifts to the bottom, and in time everything looks as it once was. Except deep below everything is different, forever change by the experience.
That journey two years ago was, in some respects, a turning back. It was a return to myself but it was always a turning forward, and a huge moment of growing into the woman I’d been held back from becoming.
I examine my reflection sometimes and search for the vagueness at the edges that will betray that it all is a dream. Thankfully, so far, no amount of pinching has woken me so I’m hoping I never do. I love who I am. A very dear friend told me a few weeks ago that she describes me as “smarter than most and one of those people who knows how to make what she wants happen.” I blushed when she told me that and didn’t exactly know what to say beyond accepting the compliment.
Two years later I don’t know if I’m on a journey and frankly I really don’t care. So many worry about the destination and forget about everything that happens along the way. I know I’m living life and enjoying every second of it. My world is full of devastingly beautiful souls that bless me with their friendship and love.
I think this shall be the last time I mark the passing of time in reference to that last chapter in my life. I’ve spent more than enough time crying, venting, and reflecting on all that happened during it. It’s time to smile into the wind and cherish what I have now.